Yuks and Such
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My nephew's plebe year at West Point was less than stellar. Inspection after inspection, he failed some point of proper uniform etiquette. One day in particular he worked all day long polishing his buttons and shoes and arranging his uniform so that everything would be perfect, determined to pass the inspection later that day with flying colors. When his company officer scrutinized his uniform he replied, "Excellent job, Cadet!" My nephew was proud and pleased until the officer continued, "But, Cadet, what's that on your face?" He then realized that he had worked so hard on his uniform that he had forgotten to shave that day. (from Susi Reaves)
THIS IS A TRUE STORY:

The weekend following our GREAT Army/Navy game, I had gone to the corner store to get my usual cup of coffee before I went to pick up my Mids. As I was checking out, coffee in my Navy mug, Navy pullover on, a gentleman quietly walks up to me and says:

"Seeing your mug, I'd like to ask you, on your way out, to check out the SUV in the parking lot."

He seemed like a nice guy, so I smiled and said "Well, sure!" not really sure what I was looking for.

As it turned out, he also walked out at the same time, so pointed it out to me. It was the license plate he wanted me to see. It said: "USNA 58". Neatly taped under it was a license plate size piece of paper that said - "Army 12"!

GO CLASS OF 58!!!!!!!!! I don't know who you are sir, but you have given me many chuckles! (from Barb Suydam)
The Blues

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling

17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Ain't it the truth? (anonymous )
When we was kids

Winners and honorable mentions from the Washington Post contest in which participants were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honorable Mentions:
  • In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me.
  • When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.
  • In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
  • In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
  • In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
  • In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
  • In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
  • Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
  • In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.
  • In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
    •  (from Gary Lehman)
    And now, for a Senior Moment!

    Three old pilots walking on the ramp.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"     ( anonymous)
    ANNUAL INSPECTION at our military school was a grueling affair. After my roommate Bill and I scrubbed, polished and straightened everything in sight, we stood at attention as the inspector general entered our room. He looked for dust over the window frame and inspected our lockers. As he turned to leave, he placed his hand on a laundry bag tied to the end of our bunk beds. There was a crackling sound. "What is in that laundry bag?" he demanded. "Love letters, sir," answered Bill. "What are love letters doing in your laundry bag?" the officer barked. Bill's response was loud and clear. "They're dirty, sir!" (--Reader's Digest "Humor In Uniform")
    A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How can you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, $12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
    Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    As a crowded airliner is about to take-off, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
    "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
    The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."     (from Marcia Soffer)
    The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
    2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
    3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
    4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
    5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
    6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
    7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
    8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy". "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", is 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd.
    9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
    10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
    11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
    12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
    13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
    14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
    15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
    (from Jackie Gandy)
    A Poem for Computer Users Over 40

    A computer was something on TV
    From a science fiction show of note
    A window was something you hated to clean
    And ram was the cousin of a goat.

    Meg was the name of my girlfriend
    And gig was a job for the nights
    Now they all mean different things
    And that really mega bytes.

    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity
    A keyboard was a piano.

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    A CD was a bank account
    And if you had a 3-inch floppy
    You hoped nobody found out.

    Compress was something you did to the garbage
    Not something you did to a file
    And if you unzipped anything in public
    You'd be in jail for a while.

    Log on was adding wood to the fire
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    And a backup happened to your commode.

    Cut you did with a pocketknife
    Paste you did with glue
    A web was a spider's home
    And a virus was the flu.

    I'll stick to my pad and paper
    And the memory in my head
    No one's been killed in a computer crash
    But it makes their face turn red!

    By: Rear Admiral Robert Erly, U.S.N.(Ret.)
    (from Linnane Haley)
    "All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "
    • There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
    • It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
    • Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
    • Wearing white is always appropriate.
    • Winter is the best of the four seasons.
    • It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
    • There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
    • The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
    • It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
    • We're all made up of mostly water.
    • You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
    • Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
    • Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
    • It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
    • Always put your best foot forward.
     (from Teri Sweatman)
     
    I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.

    He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important....
    (from Linnane Haley)
    Dear Ma and Pa:

    Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late.

    Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it is not bad they git warm water.

    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

    It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.

    The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter, Gail

    P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.     (from Richard Albrecht)
    Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

     1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
     2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.
     3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
     4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
     5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
     6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
     7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
     8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
          misquoted, then used against you.
     9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
    10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.
    12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
    13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
    14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
    20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
    21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
    22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
    24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
    25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
    26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
    27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
           and going the wrong way.
    28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
     (anonymous)
    Fisherman's Story

    On a recent tour of the state of Maryland, the Pope took a couple of days from his itinerary to visit the Chesapeake Bay's Eastern Shore for an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4x4 'Popemobile' was cruising along the beautiful shoreline when his entourage heard an enormous commotion just off one of the points in the bay. They rushed to see what it was.

    Upon approaching the scene, the Pope saw in the water a hapless man wearing a Black &Gold football jersey emblazoned with the West Point logo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20-foot shark.

    At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Blue & Gold football jerseys with the Naval Academy's logo roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, instantly immobilizing it. The other two reached out and pulled the West Point man from the water. Then, using long clubs, they killed the shark. They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared to motor off when they heard shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.

    When they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is a bitter rivalry between the people of the Naval Academy and those of West Point, but now I can see with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that you are an enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model for other schools to follow." He gave them his Papal blessing and drove off in a cloud of dust.

    As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was THE Pope." "Well," the harpooner replied, "He sure doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK?"
     (anonymous)

    The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

    Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering. So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three-volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

    To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

    The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

    The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

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