Yuks and Such
    A Page of Fun...
To: Dept. of Homeland Security

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.

I have my duck taped....now what?
 (from Marcia Soffer)
A man, after living a full life and being the best possible sailor and proud member of the US Navy, dies. When he got to heaven, St. Peter was showing him around.

They came to a modest little bungalow with a faded Navy Crest in the window.

"This cottage is yours--yours for ETERNITY," said Peter. "This is very special and not just anyone gets a home like this up here!"

The Sailor felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On the way up to the porch, he notices another house just around the corner. It was a tri-level mansion with a gold carpet rolled along the pathway, and a 50-foot tall scarlet and gold statue bearing the image of the Marines' eagle, globe and anchor. Not just this, but every window bore some sort of Marine paraphernalia!

The Sailor dismally looks at Peter and said, "Peter, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but I have question to ask."

"I was an outstanding citizen, I served 30 years of honest and faithful service, I did the best I could for the people I came in contact with!"

Peter asked, "So what is your question, my son?"

"Well, why is it that those Marines get a better house than us Navy chaps?"

Peter chuckles and says, "Silly swabbie, that's God's house!" (from Glenn and Bette Barkley)
A few One-Liners...
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  • Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
  • "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
    • Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
  • A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
  • Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam."
  • Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
    •      (Anonymous)
SOMEBODY SAID...
  • Somebody said it takes six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby...somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
  • Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
  • Somebody said being a mother is boring...somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
  • Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
  • Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices...somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
  • Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother...somebody never helped a forth grader with his math.
  • Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first...somebody doesn't have five children.
  • Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
  • Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten....or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."
  • Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back...somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
  • Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
  • Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...somebody never had grandchildren.
  • Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...somebody isn't a mother.
    •  (from Lynn Tanner)

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home DRUNK from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to himself. Very confused, he walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
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HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR ON BOARD SHIP:
  1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
  2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
  3. Repaint your entire house every month.
  4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the Bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
  5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
  6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
  7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
  8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
  9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
  10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
  11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
  12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
  13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
  14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout, "Reveille!"
  15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.
  16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 PM.
  17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
  18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
  19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
  20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.
  21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
  22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
  23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
  24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
  25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
  26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
  27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
  28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
  29. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
  30. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
  31. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
  32. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
  33. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
  34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
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Quote of the Day: A good friend will come and bail you out of jail........but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

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Vow of Silence

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.

After the first seven years passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the leadership of the order. His two words were "Too cold." He was given extra blankets.

The next seven years passed and the leadership took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "Bad food." The kitchen changed the menu for him.

When the next seven years had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit".

"Fine!!!" exclaimed the leaders, "All you have done since you got here is complain." (from Robert Loser)
More One-Liners...
  1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
  2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 (from Greg Straessle)
I Didn't realize how deep the interservice rivalry between the Navy and the Marine Corps ran until just before my son's birth. At a prenatal checkup, I asked my obstetrician, a Navy officer, what type of anesthesia he was planning to use. "You're a Marine officer's wife, aren't you?" he said.

"Yes," I answered.

"Well, then," he replied, "you get to bite on a silver bullet." (Reader's Digest - "Humor In Uniform")
Speeding?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: 'Betcha the liar told you I was speeding, too. (from Richard Scruggs)
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you! Back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13 but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone! But wait!!!

You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! (from Nancy Aubel)
Actual excuse notes from parents [including original spelling] collected by the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston:
  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for bein absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping cause I don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
BEST OF THE BUNCH:
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre ... dyrea ... direathe -- the shits.
    •      (from Teri Sweatman)
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear. (anonymous)
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

The wife thought for awhile and then finally said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?" (from Wayne Fritz)
Rules of Combat...

USMC
  1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
  2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
  4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
  5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
  6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
  7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
  8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
  9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
  10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
  11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
  12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  13. Have a plan.
  14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
  15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
  16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
  17. Don't drop your guard.
  18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
  19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
  20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
  21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
  22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
  23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
  25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."
Army
  1. See USMC Rules for combat.
  2. Add 60 to 90 days.
  3. Hope the Marines have already destroyed all meaningful resistance.
Navy
  1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
  2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
  3. Send in the Marines.
  4. Drink Coffee.
  5. Bring back the Marines.
Air Force
  1. Kiss the spouse good-bye.
  2. Drive to the flight line.
  3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
  4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
  5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.
    6.  (from Karen Goeller)
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out- of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?" (from Gary Lehman)
When our son was in Marine boot camp at Parris Island, S.C., we received this cryptic note from him: "Dear Mom and Dad No time to write. Please send a few things I need alarm clock, nail clippers, panty hose. It's cold down here. Love, Rob." I agonized over what size panty hose a man six feet tall, with a 30-inch waist, would wear. What style? What color? Support? Sheer? Control top? Does 'One Size Fits All' really fit all? I decided on queen size, opaque, in suntan, with a reinforced toe. Hoping they would keep our handsome Marine warm, I mailed the package. It wasn't until Rob came home for Christmas that the mystery was finally solved. "How did those panty hose work out?" was one of the first questions I asked. "Thanks, Mom, they were great! They're the best thing for putting a super shine on my boots." (Reader's Digest "Humor In Uniform")
Did you hear about the American lost in the desert? He found a magic lamp, like Alladin's. When he rubbed it, out popped a genie and sure enough granted him 3 wishes; but warned that everything he wished for would be doubled and given to every Arab terrorist in the world. First he wished for a huge meal because he was starved. He recieved a banquet; but it was then doubled and given to every Arab terrorist. Second he wished for a million dollars. He recieved a million dollars but every terrrorist recieved two million dollars. Then the genie asked him what is your third wish? Well replied the man, "I'd like you to beat me half to death." (from Jacqueline Carr)
Interesting...
  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
  • The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
  • A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In your next life, you might want to be a pig.)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
  • The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
  • Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
  • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  • Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
  • A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
  • Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
  • Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Huh??? What about that pig?!?!!!)
    •  (from Linnane Haley)
A man, desperate for water, and lost in the desert, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The man asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The other replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The lost man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." The poor man thanked him, staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the lost man came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The lost man rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie." (from Marcia Soffer)

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